By Someone Who Gets It*
There’s a moment that many autism parents know well. It’s usually at the end of a long day, when the house is finally quiet and you sit down for the first time. And instead of feeling proud that you made it through, your brain starts replaying everything you did “wrong.”
Maybe you snapped. Maybe you gave too much screen time. Maybe you didn’t follow through on the plan. Maybe you skipped the outing. Maybe you didn’t use the strategy you promised yourself you would use. And even though you were doing your best, you still end up with that same heavy thought: I should be doing more.
Autism parenting has a way of doing that. It takes already-hard parenting and adds extra layers (extra thinking, extra planning, extra watching, extra worrying). It can feel like you are always on call, always adjusting, always trying to stay one step ahead. And the truth is, many parents don’t call it perfectionism. They call it love. They call it survival. They call it trying.
Because when your child is struggling, it can feel like everything is urgent. You want to help them. You want to protect them. You want to make things easier. So you do what loving parents do: you try harder. You read. You research. You save ideas. You test strategies. You make plans. You learn new words you never expected to learn. You become the person who notices everything, because you have to. And slowly, without even meaning to, you start carrying a belief that is very hard to put down: If I do this perfectly, my child will be okay.
But here’s the honest truth that parents deserve to hear more often. You can do everything “right,” and your child can still have a hard day. Not because you failed, but because autism is not a math problem with one correct answer. It’s a nervous system. And nervous systems don’t always cooperate.
Some days your child’s system is already full before breakfast. A poor night of sleep, a small change in routine, a loud sound, a scratchy shirt, a busy room, a surprise expectation (any one of those things can push them closer to the edge). Then, when something else happens (a request, a transition, a “no,” a “wait,” a “we have to go”) their cup spills over. What you see is a meltdown, or a shutdown, or refusal, or tears, or anger. But what is really happening is something simpler and more human: their body is saying, This is too much.
That’s why perfection doesn’t work in autism parenting, even when you try. Because you can’t control every noise, every feeling, every demand, every change. You can’t make the world predictable all the time. You can’t stop your child’s nervous system from being sensitive to things that other people don’t even notice. And you can’t always stay calm yourself, because you are living inside this life too.
So this is where “good enough” comes in. And despite how it sounds, “good enough” is not a weak choice. It’s not giving up. It’s not settling. It is a strong and steady way to parent, especially when life is complicated.
Good enough parenting means you show up. It means you try again after a hard moment. It means you choose what works for your family, even if it doesn’t look picture-perfect. It means you focus on what matters most, not what looks best from the outside. Most of all, good enough parenting means you stop carrying the pressure to be perfect just to prove that you care. Because you don’t need proof. Your love is already clear.
In real autism homes, good enough often looks like peace. It looks like the same dinner again because it’s safe and everyone is tired. It looks like turning on a show because you need ten minutes to breathe. It looks like leaving the grocery store early because the noise got too loud and your child hit their limit. It looks like skipping the playdate because your child has nothing left for social time today. It looks like choosing the comfortable clothes, even if they don’t match. It looks like doing fewer things, more gently.
And when parents choose those things, they sometimes feel guilty. They worry they are “giving in” or “not pushing enough.” But here’s what many people don’t understand: pushing isn’t always helpful when a child is overwhelmed. Sometimes the best thing you can do is make life smaller and safer so your child can breathe again. That is not weakness. That is wisdom.
Of course, there will always be people who don’t get it. Someone might say your child needs more discipline. Someone might suggest you are being too soft. Someone might tell you to just “make them do it.” But most of those opinions come from people who don’t live your life. They see a moment. You live the full day. You have learned what helps and what hurts. You are not parenting for an audience. You are parenting for your child.
And even with all your love, you will still have hard moments. You will get tired. You will lose patience. You will say something you wish you hadn’t said. That part matters too, because parents are not robots. You are human. And in autism parenting, being human is not a problem: it’s part of the process.
The good news is that your child doesn’t need you to be perfect after a hard moment. They need you to come back. They need repair. They need to know that even when things get messy, the relationship stays safe.
Sometimes repair is as simple as sitting nearby and softening your voice. Sometimes it’s saying, “That was a hard moment. I’m sorry.” Sometimes it’s saying, “I love you. We’re okay.” Those words matter. They teach your child that people can have big feelings and still stay connected. That is a powerful lesson—one that lasts longer than any perfect routine chart.
Many parents tell me they are trying to stay calm, and I always smile at that, because it’s a great goal (but it’s also a heavy one). So here’s a gentler goal: be calm-ish. Calm when you can. Calm when you remember. Calm after you take a breath. Calm after the storm passes. Calm enough. Because calm-ish is real life, and it’s something you can return to again and again.
At the end of the day, autism parenting is not about getting everything right. It is not a test you pass. It is a relationship you build. And relationships don’t grow from perfection. They grow from consistency, and kindness, and trying again.
So if you are carrying the weight of thinking you have to do everything perfectly, I want you to hear this clearly: you don’t. Your child does not need a perfect parent. Your child needs a parent who keeps showing up. A parent who learns. A parent who keeps loving them through the hard parts. A parent who can say, “This is tough, but we’re in it together.”
That’s you.
And if today was messy, if you’re tired, if you did screen time, if you didn’t do the strategy, if you barely survived bedtime… you can still be a wonderful parent. You can still be exactly what your child needs.
Good enough isn’t the backup plan.
Good enough is the way.
__________________________________
* Dr. Sharon Gainforth is a Speech-Language Pathologist with over 35 years of expertise as a subject matter expert on Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). She is also the Chief Business Development Officer, Chief Content Officer and Co-Founder of NeuroAI.
>>> Download: A Parent´s Handbook (free resource)